8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
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There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.