I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
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landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”