Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
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You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?