Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
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mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions