Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
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would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
when there are deer in the woods
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous