This forever.
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*sewing*
A thread
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”