i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
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Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
I love it all
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.