kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
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My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.