Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
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“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve