20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
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what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times