Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
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My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen