Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
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washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Air conditioning – not a fan
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.