Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.