God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
You Might Also Like
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)