People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
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Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?