It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
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No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*