Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
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Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.