me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
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I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”