I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
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Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
there has never been a better use of this meme
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.