Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
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HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*