Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
You Might Also Like
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?