[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
You Might Also Like
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
tinder is all about the long game
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit