Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
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[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?