*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
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I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?