I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
You Might Also Like
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”