<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
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[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”