*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
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[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth