Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
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Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
plums roundup
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*