My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
You Might Also Like
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.