911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
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Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
My typo game is string.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili