I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
You Might Also Like
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.