im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
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*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?