“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
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ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I love the honesty
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Oops I deleted….