You Might Also Like
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”