Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
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My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.