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Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
my name if I was in the mob