It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
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A great tip. #CakeRex
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind: