I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
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April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak