Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
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I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…