I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
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Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Well, shit
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life