My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
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*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
ok like just. call me at this point
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement