Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
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It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
But is it really??
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.