I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
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I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
#NeverForget
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.