From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
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My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Holy shit he’s back
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?