[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
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oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it