Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
You Might Also Like
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up