When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
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I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.