My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
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YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.