The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
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What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
A new level of troll.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice