It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
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I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
This is I, Robot all over again
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Buying a well is money well spent.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.